Best 195 Psychologist Jokes and Puns

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed!"

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A psychologist tells the troubled man:.

A psychologist tells the troubled man:.

tell me about your childhood.

man: it was a horrible time doc, I used to have a twin and everyone accused me for all the troubles he made.

psychologist: what did you do about it?

man: i had my revenge last week..

psychologist: how?

man: I died and they buried him instead.

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Three mothers see a psychologist.

Three mothers see a psychologist.

They've brought their kids with them. The psychologist says, "It looks like you all have obsessions, and you've named your children after them."He says to the first mother, "You have an obsession with cars, which is why you named your daughter Mercedes"He moves onto the second mom, "... read more

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What do you call a psychologist cat?.

What do you call a psychologist cat?.

A freudy cat!

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What do you call a psychologist's clothes?.

What do you call a psychologist's clothes?.

Shrinkwrap

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No I am not a psychologist.

No I am not a psychologist.

But I’m pretty sure I know what the Dunning-Kruger effect is

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The new trend.

The new trend.

psychologist: what is your problem?patient: i work as a yoga trainer at retirement homes.psychologist: aaannd...parient: the new trend is naked yoga.psychologist: you are the unluckyest person to ever exist.

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A recently married couple retire to their honeymoon suite. Before hopping into bed the bride says, "Now honey, you'll be gentle with me won't you. You know that I'm still a virgin."

A recently married couple retire to their honeymoon suite. Before hopping into bed the bride says, "Now honey, you'll be gentle with me won't you. You know that I'm still a virgin.".

This clearly surprises the man, "What are you saying. Aren't I your third husband?"

The woman replied, "Yes, but my first husband was a psychologist and all he liked to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist and all he liked to do was look at it. Since you're a lawyer, I'm pretty sure that I'm gonna get screwed!"

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A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.

A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.

Canadian person was smarter

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A magician pulls rabbits out of hats.

A magician pulls rabbits out of hats.

An experimental psychologist pulls habits out of rats.

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A backseat driver, armchair psychologist and a keyboard warrior walks into a bar...

A backseat driver, armchair psychologist and a keyboard warrior walks into a bar...

...and for some unknown reason, they end up sitting right next to one another. Conversations ensue, and so do the braggings. The backseat driver says, "I trolled a guy so hard once, he ended up driving around in circles all around his own home!" Not to be outcast, the armchair psychologist says, "I ... read more

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A men calls the hotel reception.

A men calls the hotel reception.

He tells the manager, "I need help, my ex-wife is trying to jump out of the window", the manager replies "Do you want me to send a psychologist?", the men says "No, send the janitor, the window is stuck!"

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A conversation between a psychologist and an anaesthetist was described as .....

A conversation between a psychologist and an anaesthetist was described as .....

..... mind numbing.

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A man visit's a Psychologist.

A man visit's a Psychologist.

Man: Doctor, you've got to help me! I'm afraid of backstories.

Psychologist: When did this all start?

Man: Well- AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

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A tree with anxiety.

A tree with anxiety.

A tree had been filled with anxiety and decides to see a psychologist.

"I just don't know what to do," the tree said. "Every year I feel very anxious during fall and winter."

"Hmm, interesting," the psychologist said, "And how do you feel when spring comes?"

The tree smiles, "Releaved!""

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Why can't you hear a psychologist go to the bathroom?.

Why can't you hear a psychologist go to the bathroom?.

Because the 'p' is silent.

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A man walks into a psychologists office...

A man walks into a psychologists office...

wearing nothing but saran wrap. The psychologist says "It's a good thing you came. I can clearly see your nuts"

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My favorite jokes.

My favorite jokes.

ow...every Friday at 8 P.M. she visits her dead boyfriend's memorial at the graveyard." Friday comes and the hippie goes to the cemetery, he sees the nun sitting by a tombstone and pretends to be the ghost of the nun's dead boyfriend and tells her, "I order you to have sex with me!" The nun accepts and after they are done the hippie takes off running and yells to her, "HAHA! I was actually the hippie!" To which the nun replied, "HAHA! I was actually the bus driver."

2.

A guy goes to his psychologist one day and tells him, "Doc...lately, at work, I've been wanting to put my dick in the pickle cutter." His psychiatrist tells him not to commit such a bad decision. The guy then asks for some sort of treatment to get him to stop thinking about it and the psychiatrist tells him he can only advise him not to do anything stupid. The next day the guy comes back to his psychiatrist and tell him, "Guess what Doc? I did it. I put my dick in the pickle cutter." To which the psychiatrist responds, "And what happened?" The guy says, "Well I got fired." The doctor asks, "And the pickle cutter?" And the guy says "Well, she got fired too."

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Hope you enjoyed. Thanks for reading. (:

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What would a cross-dressing psychologist wear?.

What would a cross-dressing psychologist wear?.

A Freudian slip

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How many clinical psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?.

How many clinical psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?.

Only one but the light bulb has to want to change.

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