Best 1383 Pun Jokes and Puns

About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard.

About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went down hill fast.

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How did I escape Iraq?

How did I escape Iraq? Iran.

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The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.

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The person who invented the door knock won the No-bell prize.

The person who invented the door knock won the No-bell prize.

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Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.

Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.

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When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.

When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.

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There was a cat with 16 lives.

There was a cat with 16 lives.

A 4x4 (jeep) ran it over,

And the cat died.

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People who say they suffer from constipation are full of shit.

People who say they suffer from constipation are full of shit.

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My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type.

My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to be positive, but it's hard without him.

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I couldn't work out how to fasten my seatbelt.

I couldn't work out how to fasten my seatbelt. Then it clicked.

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If Apple made a car, would it have Windows?

If Apple made a car, would it have Windows?

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Don't spell part backwards.

Don't spell part backwards. It's a trap.

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More jokes about: #One #Liner #Communication #Puns
Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant.

Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. Dirty Bastards.

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Never trust atoms, they make up everything.

Never trust atoms, they make up everything.

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20 Things to do Before You Die...

20 Things to do Before You Die...

1) Look at see through glass and when someone is on the other side shout "OH MY GOD, I'M HIDEOUS!"

2) Bring a big chair into the elevator facing away from the door and when someone walks in, dramatically turn and say 'we've been expecting you.'

3) Walk up to someone, hand them a potato, look them in the eyes and deadpan 'with great power, comes great responsibility.' Walk away.

4) Call someone to tell them you can't talk right now.

5) Point at someone and shout "You're one of them!" Run and pretend to trip. Crawl away slowly.

6) Buy a donut and complain that there's a hole in it.

7) Put Mayonnaise in a bowl, freeze it, and tell your friend it's ice cream.

8) Put up a "Lost Dog" poster with a picture of a cat on it.

9) In a public toilet, pass a note under the door next to you saying, "They're onto us. We need to go."

10) Walk up to a random person and say, "Wow! You've changed, I still have your picture from five years ago." And hold up a picture of potato.

11) Call McDonalds asking for directions to Burger King.

12) Order a pizza 5 minutes before New Years, and when it comes, yell, "I ORDERED THIS THING A YEAR AGO!

13) Bring a desk on an elevator. When people try to get on ask if they have an appointment.

14) Go to an electronic store with a banana and say that you want to upgrade to an apple.

15) Call Pizza Hut and ask for the phone number to Domino's.

16) Hide a walk talkie in a bush and scare people that walk by.

17) Get on a crowded elevator with a bag in your hands, sigh and say "darn my snake got loose again".

18) When someone asks you if you know what time it is, say yes and walk away.

19) Dress up as a duck and throw bread at people and say,"HOW DO YOU LIKE IT?!! HUH?!!!!

20) Go to a pet shop, point at an employee, and shout "I WANT THAT ONE MOMMY!!!"

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I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

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More jokes about: #One #Liner #Beauty #Drug #Puns #Time #Work
I just found out I'm colorblind.

I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

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More jokes about: #One #Liner #Alcohol #Health #Puns
The future, the present and the past walked into a bar.

The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.

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More jokes about: #One #Liner #Alcohol #Puns #Time
I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory.

I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory.

All I did was take a day off.

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Thank god for nipples.

Thank god for nipples. Without it, boobs would be pointless.

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