Best 52 Quip Jokes and Puns

A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear.

A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?" She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."

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[OC] My wife is always joking...

[OC] My wife is always joking...

Whenever she goes out without me she makes the joke that I'm glad to see her go because then my girlfriend can come over.

After awhile we decided that the joke wasn't appropriate anymore and she stopped telling it.

Today she is going out with a friend and asked if I wanted to go. I told her I had a few things to do around here.

"so your girlfriend can come over?" she quipped.

"I thought we weren't telling that joke anymore?" I say, a little hurt.

"I'm sorry", she replied genuinely.

"it's ok," I console her, "it's just that she gets sensitive about it."

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Lost balloonist.

Lost balloonist.

There's a colonel flying a hot air balloon and he's completely lost. He comes across a SgtMaj yelling at some people in a field and he's all like "Can you tell me where I am?"

the SgtMaj replies "You're about 20" off the deck in central Iowa."

The colonel quips "You must be a SgtMaj".

Slightly intrigued, the SgtMaj says, "Why yes I am, how'd you know?"

to which the colonel says "Because although everything you have said is technically correct, you haven't helped me at all".

The SgtMaj thinks for a moment then says "Oh, I understand now, you must be the new colonel".

"Why yes, I am. Was it my keen insight and projected leadership that gave it away?" asks the colonel.

"No" says the SgtMaj "You're just as lost now as you were 10 minutes ago, but now it's my fault."

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More jokes about: #Quips
A man named Ted is unable to put alcohol down.

A man named Ted is unable to put alcohol down.

His thirst for liquor is unquenchable. All he does every day is drink and drink. Rum, tequila, beer, vodka, he has it all. Doesn't matter how it tastes or looks; he'll down it.At first it started out at a simple party at Dominc's place. His best bud, Bob, invited him so he couldn't say no. P... read more

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A cruise magician...

A cruise magician...

... Had a parrot who spoiled every trick. You know, like, "That box has a hidden floor".One day during the performance, the cruise ship exploded, but the magician and the parrot saved themselves on a piece of debris.They floated along in silence for three days, when the parrot quips ... read more

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A Math Quip.

A Math Quip.

You couldn't tell an asymptote from a hole in the graph

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More jokes about: #Asymptote #Quip #Graph
This couple was heading to the hospital with their 16-year-old daughter, who was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy.

This couple was heading to the hospital with their 16-year-old daughter, who was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy. During the ride they talked about the procedure.Dad, the teenager asked, how are they going to keep my mouth open during surgery?Without hesitation her father quipped, They're going to give you a phone.

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Olympics / opening ceremony jokes.

Olympics / opening ceremony jokes.

Credit where credit's due - I got these from Sickipedia. I'm brand new here but I gather these would be appreciated...

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I certainly enjoyed the opening ceremony which displayed the history of the early 20th century Britain.

I can't wait until the games are held in Germany.

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So in the Olympic Opening Ceremony, British athletes can walk behind a bloke carrying the Union Jack and everyone cheers...

...But when the BNP do it it's frowned upon.

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My mate asked me: "What is the shortest race in the Olympics?"

After thinking for a few minutes, I came up with an answer:

"Chinese," I replied.

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I'm entering the Masturbation Tournament in the Olympics this year.

Very stiff competition though.

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As I watched the woman's football today, my wife proudly quipped, "This just shows you how far the Olympics have come, women excelling at men's sports. What do you think this means?"

I don't think "22 blokes are forced to get a take-away tonight" was the answer she was looking for.

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Well done Danny Boyle. Nothing says "London" better than youths setting fire to stuff.

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7 years the London Olympics have been in the making.

Never has it taken so long for a large number of foreigners to enter the country.

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Pope John XXIII is going to formally become a saint on Sunday (27 April 2014). Here is a sample of his humorous quips:

Pope John XXIII is going to formally become a saint on Sunday (27 April 2014). Here is a sample of his humorous quips:.

1. Visiting a hospital he asked a boy what he wanted to be when he grew up. The boy said either a policeman or a pope. "I would go in for the police if I were you," the Holy Father said. "Anyone can become a pope, look at me!"2. "It often happens that I wake up at night and begin to think ab... read more

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Little Johnny is in his sister's room, being curious as teenagers sometimes are.

Little Johnny is in his sister's room, being curious as teenagers sometimes are.

ject.

A few weeks later, Little Johnny's Dad again walks in on he and his sister in a state of undress, with Little Johnny poking his sister's front bum with a branch.

"Little Johnny! What in the name of Jebus are you doing to your sister!?!"

Little Johnny quips back, "Checking for fucking squirrels!"

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More jokes about: #Redress
A scholar and a fisherman.

A scholar and a fisherman.

A scholar is travelling in a small boat with a poor fisherman across a large lake.The scholar asks the fisherman "did you learn how to read?“The fisherman replies "no, I have not""What a pathetic waste of your life!“ sneered the scholar. "Half your life has been w... read more

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More jokes about: #Fisherman #Scholar #Sneer #Quip
I went on a date with a girl who was clearly out of my league.

I went on a date with a girl who was clearly out of my league.

But she'd heard that I was going to see a movie she wanted to see, and we made a date of it.

On the way over I thought I might get lucky so I went to the drug store and bought a box of condoms.

When I stopped at her house, her family invited me to dinner. I asked if I could say the blessing on the dinner. I prayed for about ten minutes, the holiest prayer I could think of.

On the way out to the car, she quipped "I never knew you were so religious!" I replied, "I never knew your dad was a pharmacist."

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More jokes about: #Blessing #Prayed #League
A TV license fee collector knocks on a door.

A TV license fee collector knocks on a door.

And demands a fee from the owner of the house who happened to open the door.The owner responds by saying he has no TV in the house. The collector responds, "You have a TV antenna on your roof, so you have a TV". The house owner then invites the collector into the house and leads him ... read more

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Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap.

Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap.

*\*This lowbrow Sumerian quip is the oldest recorded joke in history, dating back to 1900 BCE.*

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My first pastoral ministry was as an assistant pastor to youth at a large church in the Pennsylvania Dutch country.

My first pastoral ministry was as an assistant pastor to youth at a large church in the Pennsylvania Dutch country. In the fall of that first year, an evangelist was having a Saturday breakfast meeting with our group.I was anxious for every detail of this event to be flawless and elegant, so the lay youth workers and I agreed to bring the last of the fall flowers from our gardens for floral arrangements.The next morning, I decided to walk to church. There I was, dressed in a dark suit, a tie, hat and overcoat, walking down the street at 6:30 a.m. with a bouquet of chrysanthemums tucked under my arm. As I strolled along, a car passed me from behind. Then, as though an afterthought, the driver stopped, backed up, rolled down the window, gestured to the flowers, and quipped, If you're just getting home, buddy, you'd better take her more than those.

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More jokes about: #Religion
"All these matrices whose transposes are equal to themselves are dirty, and taking our jobs" said the matrix whose transpose was negative of himself.

"All these matrices whose transposes are equal to themselves are dirty, and taking our jobs" said the matrix whose transpose was negative of himself.

To which his buddy quipped "Man, don't be so anti-symmetric"

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The Pilot.

The Pilot.

The pilot gave his normal address to the passengers, this is your captain speaking, we will be ascending to 30000 feet and the flight time is two hours. Unfortunately he forgot to turn off his microphone and he joked to his co pilot that what he would really enjoy was a cup of coffee and a blow job. A hostess rushed to the cockpit to alert the captain about the microphone. A nearby passenger quipped, he also wants a coffee.

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A scholar and a fisherman.

A scholar and a fisherman.

asted!“

"Have you ever learned to swim?" retorts the fisherman.

"No" replies the scholar.

"Then your whole life has been wasted" quips the fisherman. "The boat is sinking."

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More jokes about: #Scholar #Small #Boat
What do you call trading one joke for another?.

What do you call trading one joke for another?.

Quip pro quo

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A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint. The bar keep says "you're in here pretty often, do you think you're an alcoholic?"

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint. The bar keep says "you're in here pretty often, do you think you're an alcoholic?".

The horse replies "no I don't think I am" and vanishes out of existence. See the joke is about Descartes' famous quip "I think therefore I am" but to explain that at the beginning of the joke would be putting Descartes before the horse.

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