Best 780 Quotes Jokes and Puns

Q: What is red and smells like blue paint?

Q: What is red and smells like blue paint?

A: Red paint.

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Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.

Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.

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More jokes about: #Math #Quotes #Stupid #Top #100
The broccoli says 'I look like a small tree', the mushroom says 'I look like an umbrella', the walnut says 'I look like a brain', and the banana says 'Can we please change the subject?'

The broccoli says 'I look like a small tree', the mushroom says 'I look like an umbrella', the walnut says 'I look like a brain', and the banana says 'Can we please change the subject?'

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More jokes about: #Funny #Tree #Quotes #Stupid #Top #100
Q: Why can't Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?

Q: Why can't Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?

A: Because drawing a perfect circle is impossible for any human.

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More jokes about: #Quotes
You love flowers, but you cut them.

You love flowers, but you cut them. You love animals, but you eat them. You tell me you love me, so now I'm scared!

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More jokes about: #Animals #Love #Quotes #Top #100
I don't need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

I don't need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

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More jokes about: #Sayings #Sleep #Quotes #Top #100
If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.

If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.

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More jokes about: #Lazy #Quotes #Top #100
Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can't see.

Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can't see.

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More jokes about: #Stupid #Quotes #Top #100
Q.

Q: How many dead babies can you fit in a bath tub?

A. 17.

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More jokes about: #Quotes
People say you can't live without love, but I think oxygen is more important.

People say you can't live without love, but I think oxygen is more important.

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More jokes about: #Love #Quotes #Marriage #People
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.

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More jokes about: #Famous #Quotes #Stupid #Top #100
Never let your best friends get lonely... keep disturbing them.

Never let your best friends get lonely... keep disturbing them.

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More jokes about: #Friend #Quotes #Top #100
If you think nothing is impossible, try slamming a revolving door.

If you think nothing is impossible, try slamming a revolving door.

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More jokes about: #Sayings #Stupid #Quotes #Think
My goal this weekend is to move... just enough so people don't think I'm dead.

My goal this weekend is to move... just enough so people don't think I'm dead.

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More jokes about: #Lazy #Quotes #People #Sayings
Cell phones these days keep getting thinner and smarter... people the opposite.

Cell phones these days keep getting thinner and smarter... people the opposite.

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More jokes about: #People #Quotes #Phone #Top #100
My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry.

My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry.

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More jokes about: #Money #Quotes #Top #100
If we shouldn't eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge?

If we shouldn't eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge?

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More jokes about: #Eat #Quotes #Questions #Top #100
Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app, they'll start using it.

Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app, they'll start using it.

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More jokes about: #People #Quotes #Statements #Top #100
I'm not here to judge, I'm just pointing out all the mistakes you're making.

I'm not here to judge, I'm just pointing out all the mistakes you're making.

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More jokes about: #Stupid #Quotes #Witty
I put my phone in airplane mode, but it's not flying!

I put my phone in airplane mode, but it's not flying!

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More jokes about: #Phone #Stupid #Quotes #Top #100