Best 780 Quotes Jokes and Puns

Q: What is red and smells like blue paint?

A: Red paint.

Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.

The broccoli says 'I look like a small tree', the mushroom says 'I look like an umbrella', the walnut says 'I look like a brain', and the banana says 'Can we please change the subject?'

Q: Why can't Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?

A: Because drawing a perfect circle is impossible for any human.

You love flowers, but you cut them. You love animals, but you eat them. You tell me you love me, so now I'm scared!

I don't need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.

Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can't see.

Q: How many dead babies can you fit in a bath tub?

A. 17.

People say you can't live without love, but I think oxygen is more important.

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.

Never let your best friends get lonely... keep disturbing them.

If you think nothing is impossible, try slamming a revolving door.

My goal this weekend is to move... just enough so people don't think I'm dead.

Cell phones these days keep getting thinner and smarter... people the opposite.

My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry.

If we shouldn't eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge?

Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app, they'll start using it.

I'm not here to judge, I'm just pointing out all the mistakes you're making.

I put my phone in airplane mode, but it's not flying!