Best 160 Jokes and Puns about 'Route'

There is a senior citizen driving on the highway.

There is a senior citizen driving on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, ''Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there is a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!''

Herman says, ''I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!''

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It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

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Q.

Q: What do you call a droid that likes taking the scenic route? A. R2-Detour!

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The Drunk & the Bus Driver.

The Drunk the Bus Driver.

This is a repost of one I've told for decades:A bus driver was just starting along his route. It was still dark and raining and the temperature hovered just above freezing.As he approached the first stop on his route he could see some poor soul laying on the bench. He stopped the bus... read more

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Blonde becomes a flight attendent.

Blonde becomes a flight attendent.

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

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More jokes about: #Layover #Pilot #Crew #Arrival #Flying
Sesame Street Bus.

Sesame Street Bus.

A guy gets a job as a city bus driver. After going over his route, his supervisor tells him about the buses advertisement. "This week, it's a sesame street ad. Do not let these ads get damaged as you make your way through the city. We make a lot of money from these companies and we want it to look g... read more

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Two bikers.

Two bikers.

Two bikers are riding along the route 66 when one of them has to take a piss. So he goes to a bush on the side of the road and does his business, when all of a sudden a snake bites his junk. Alerted from the screams of his friend, the other biker runs to him and asks him what's wrong. Thankfully he ... read more

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Two Dutch girls are out riding their bikes when one of them suggests taking an alternate, scenic route home.

Two Dutch girls are out riding their bikes when one of them suggests taking an alternate, scenic route home.

After a while they are in an area that the other girl doesn't recognize and she has no idea where they are or which direction home is. As it is getting towards dusk she becomes nervous and a bit agitated, she says to her friend, "I've never come this way before." And her friend turns to her, smiling... read more

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My grandfather cracked this joke...

My grandfather cracked this joke...

I had gone to visit my grandfather, a well-travelled man, and was telling him about my trip: the towering buildings, ornate architecture, and warm beaches of the cities I'd visited en route to his home town. I told him how all the walking had made me develop a blister on the bottom of my foot, and t... read more

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A sign on Washington's Route 8, featuring an illustration of a police car with lights flashing, reads If you drink and drive, we'll provide the chasers.

A sign on Washington's Route 8, featuring an illustration of a police car with lights flashing, reads If you drink and drive, we'll provide the chasers.

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter . . .

An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter . . .

ut I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin’!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there’s lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there’s no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don’t get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are dead because we’ve been on a ’route march’ - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin’ - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a possum’s bum and it don’t move and it’s not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target! You don’t even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don’t have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it’s not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I’m not a bad boxer either and it looks like I’m the best the platoon’s got, and I’ve only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he’s 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I’m only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin’ wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can’t complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila

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Shame to admit, my german grandpa told me this joke.

Shame to admit, my german grandpa told me this joke.

How do you calculate the escape route of a jew?

Chimney Height * Strength of wind

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The old woman and the highway.

The old woman and the highway.

ying it!"

"25 is the number of the route," the policeman explains patiently. "The speed limit is 70 (about 115km/h)."

At this point the officer looks around the car for other passengers and sees three other women, clutching their seats and shaking.

"Oh, I see!" replies the driver. "We just got off route 150."

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En route to Atlanta, my stepfather spotted some mules by the side of the road.

En route to Atlanta, my stepfather spotted some mules by the side of the road. Relatives? he asked my mother. Not taking the bait, she responded, Yeah, through marriage.

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Breakfast for the Mailman.

Breakfast for the Mailman.

It was George the Mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his wa... read more

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A salesman is assigned a new route that takes him to Texas for the first time...

A salesman is assigned a new route that takes him to Texas for the first time...

ll beer.” Then he ordered a petite steak and the waitress brought him a two inch thick steak so big the sides of it were hanging of the edge of the plate.

“Waitress, I ordered a petite steak”

She told him that in Texas that was a petite steak. After a while all that beer was getting to him, so he asked the waitress where the restroom was. She told him to go down the hall two doors and turn to the *RIGHT*. He staggered down the hall two doors, turned *LEFT*, and walked into the hotel swimming pool, As he bobbed to the surface, he screamed,

“DON’T FLUSH IT!”

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22 mph speed limit.

22 mph speed limit.

Sitting on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers, a state trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, "This driver is as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand. I was going the exact speed limit. What seems to be the problem?"

The trooper, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before you go, ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken."

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 136."

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Two nuns leave the abbey on their bicycles to spend the day in town. A road closure forces them to take a different route home....

Two nuns leave the abbey on their bicycles to spend the day in town. A road closure forces them to take a different route home....

"I've never come this way before," the first nun says.The other says, "It's the cobblestones."

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Three men shipwreck on an island known for cannibals.

Three men shipwreck on an island known for cannibals.

As they wander the jungle they are captured by these cannibals and put in a cage. The biggest and ugliest cannibal approaches the cage and says

"Now we're fun loving cannibals and we like to play games. We'll give you a chance to escape for our amusement, with one item of your choice. If you get to the beach, then you'll be taken back to society. If you fail we shall kill you, skin you, eat you, and turn you into a canoe. Good luck."

The first man wants to go the traditional route and chooses a gun. As he runs to the beach, he runs out of ammo and the cannibals catch him, skin him, eat him, and turn him into a canoe.

The second man asks for a horse. They begrudgingly give him their only horse, and he rides towards the beach, but the cannibals spear him off the horse and skin him, eat him, and turn him into a canoe.

The third man asks for a fork. The cannibals give him a funny look and fetch him a fork. The man begins to stab himself all over. The cannibals ask him why he's making their job easier and he yells

"Try and make a canoe out of me now!"

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A police officer on a bike route sees 2 men arguing.

A police officer on a bike route sees 2 men arguing.

AA's and throws them at the first man.

The officer calls for backup, and the 2 men are arrested for assault and battery.

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