Best 132 Sarcastic Jokes and Puns

When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive...

When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive... It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.

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What's Blonde and dead in a closet?

What's Blonde and dead in a closet? The Hide and Seek Champion from 1995.

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My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type.

My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to be positive, but it's hard without him.

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Two wrongs don't make a right, take your parents as an example.

Two wrongs don't make a right, take your parents as an example.

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I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

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More jokes about: #One #Liner #Car #Sarcastic
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

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More jokes about: #One #Liner #Men #Sarcastic #Women
I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain.

I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain.

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How do Asians name their kids?

How do Asians name their kids? They throw them down the stairs and see what kind of sounds they make

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More jokes about: #One #Liner #Racist #Rude #Sarcastic
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

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Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving.

Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving.

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More jokes about: #One #Liner #Car #Life #Sarcastic
I'm not saying your perfume is too strong.

I'm not saying your perfume is too strong. I'm just saying the canary was alive before you got here.

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My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she hit the roof.

My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she hit the roof.

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More jokes about: #One #Liner #Marriage #Puns #Sarcastic
My girlfriend is always stealing my t-shirts and sweaters...

My girlfriend is always stealing my t-shirts and sweaters... But if I take one of her dresses, suddenly we need to talk.

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How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?

How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?

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More jokes about: #One #Liner #Attitude #Death #Sarcastic
They should build the wall with Hillary's emails because nobody can get over them.

They should build the wall with Hillary's emails because nobody can get over them.

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I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas.

I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace So I bought her nothing.

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I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.

I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.

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More jokes about: #One #Liner #Hate #Sarcastic #Stupid
Being an adult is just walking around wondering what you're forgetting.

Being an adult is just walking around wondering what you're forgetting.

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More jokes about: #One #Liner #Age #Sarcastic
When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.

When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.

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More jokes about: #One #Liner #Doctor #Life #Sarcastic
Girl you're like a car accident, cause I just can't look away.

Girl you're like a car accident, cause I just can't look away.

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More jokes about: #One #Liner #Attitude #Beauty #Sarcastic