When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive... It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.
What's Blonde and dead in a closet? The Hide and Seek Champion from 1995.
My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to be positive, but it's hard without him.
Two wrongs don't make a right, take your parents as an example.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain.
How do Asians name their kids? They throw them down the stairs and see what kind of sounds they make
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving.
I'm not saying your perfume is too strong. I'm just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she hit the roof.
My girlfriend is always stealing my t-shirts and sweaters... But if I take one of her dresses, suddenly we need to talk.
How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?
They should build the wall with Hillary's emails because nobody can get over them.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace So I bought her nothing.
I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Being an adult is just walking around wondering what you're forgetting.
When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.
Girl you're like a car accident, cause I just can't look away.