Best 185 Scan Jokes and Puns

A man rushes his limp dog to the veterinarian.

A man rushes his limp dog to the veterinarian. The doctor pronounces the dog dead. The agitated man demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat. The cat sniffs the body and meows. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too." The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body and barks. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead, too." The man finally resigns to the diagnosis and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650." "$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaims the man. "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 is for the cat scan and lab tests."

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I wonder how much a zebra would cost if you scanned it.

I wonder how much a zebra would cost if you scanned it.

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More jokes about: #Funny #One #Liner
Just went to the store and bought a pack of energy saving light bulbs...

Just went to the store and bought a pack of energy saving light bulbs...

As the woman scanned them, she asked, "Will you be putting these up yourself, sir?""'Erm, no." I replied. "What kind of sicko do you think I am?"

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More jokes about: #Energy
A woman, pregnant with triplets, takes a walk in a bad neighbourhood.

A woman, pregnant with triplets, takes a walk in a bad neighbourhood.

She is caught in the crossfire during a drive-by shooting. She's rushed to hospital and given a scan immediately. The sonographer gives her the results. "It seems that you've been very lucky. A bullet has lodged in the intestines of each of your children, but all three appear healthy. We wil... read more

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More jokes about: #Lodge #Crossfire
Dogs cant operate an MRI machine.

Dogs cant operate an MRI machine.

but cat scan

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More jokes about: #Machine #Operate #Mri
An admiral and his fleet are out at sea during war.

An admiral and his fleet are out at sea during war.

An admiral at the head of his fleet is scanning the horizon for the enemy ships he's looking to destroy. Seeing them crest the horizon, he tells his first mate, "Bring me my red shirt."

"Why, Sir?"

"If I am wounded in the fight, and the men see me bleeding, they may lose heart. If I wear my red shirt into battle, that cannot happen. Now, bring me my red shirt!"

"Yes, sir!"

The Admiral continues to scan the horizon, and sees there are in fact ten times as many enemy ships as his own fleet has. The first mate returns with the red shirt. The Admiral turns to him and says,

"Bring me my brown pants."

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More jokes about: #Wounded
A man had excruciating headaches.

A man had excruciating headaches.

So he decided once and for all to go see a specialist to see what can be done. After extensive scans and tests the doctor calls him in and gives him the bad news. "I'm very sorry sir, you have a very rare case in which your nuts press up against the base of your spine which, in turn,... read more

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I went to the most nonchalent doctor for an MRI scan...

I went to the most nonchalent doctor for an MRI scan...

...after all the trouble of going in the machine he randomly decided to cancel the appointment before even turning the machine on.

Zero flux given.

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A man walks along a beach in Hawaii when he finds a lamp.

A man walks along a beach in Hawaii when he finds a lamp.

aterializes in front of him. The man, delighted by his lucky turn in life, excitedly says, "I wish to be a billionaire!" The genie once again makes it so.

The man, now decked in the finest suit money could buy (inevitably to be coated with sand anyway), scans the secluded beach and says, "Genie, you have given me everything I ever wanted. But one thing I'd like is a road connecting California to Hawaii."

The genie looks dismayed. "Look man, that's really difficult for me to do. That's like 2000 miles, plus there's the water to deal with, so it would be almost impossible. Is there anything else you might want?"

Just then, a beautiful woman comes strolling down the beach in the opposite direction. The man quickly turns to the genie before she comes closer and says, "I have never been good with the opposite sex. Make me understand women! Help me understand exactly what goes on in their heads, what really makes them tick. All the money and Ferraris in the world could not make me any better at that. Yes, that's what I want."

The genie thinks about it for a moment, then asks, "Do you want two lanes or four?"

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More jokes about: #Hawaii
The cashier gave me a questioning look as she scanned the 10th bottle of baby oil.

The cashier gave me a questioning look as she scanned the 10th bottle of baby oil.

"My wife says I need to glisten more," I explained. "I don't know why, I wasn't really paying attention".

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More jokes about: #Scanned #Questioning #10th
A Quickie!.

A Quickie!.

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous.

A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order, "What would you like, sir?"

He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?"

Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please."

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, I think it's pronounced 'Quiche'."

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More jokes about: #Waitresses #Quick #Skirt
Three vampires walk into a bar, and begin scanning the menu.

Three vampires walk into a bar, and begin scanning the menu.

"Hmm, the glass of blood looks good" says the first."A bloody mary" says the second."Ill just take a hot water" says the third, to the astonishment of the others."Wtf" they say collectively.Taking out a used tampon, he utters "just making some tea".

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More jokes about: #Menu #Scanning
A zombie is checking for an overseas flight...

A zombie is checking for an overseas flight...

At the security check the TSA is scanning his luggage, running him through metal detectors, etc. Finally, an attendant stops him at the gate.

"Sir, you're absolutely crawling with bugs. You're going to have to store those un your suitcase or ship them separately."

"Oh, no, it's okay." He says. "These are my carrion beetles."

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More jokes about: #Detectors #Overseas
I just scored a 180 on an IQ test answering three simple questions !.

I just scored a 180 on an IQ test answering three simple questions !.

1. My credit card number2. My social security number3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate

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A man went on a hunting trip.

A man went on a hunting trip.

The hunter was sneaking through the woods, looking for any movement that would give away the position of an animal. Tired and looking for just one last kill, he scanned the forest."Look at me, I own the Hoover Dam and I can't even find one last animal." He thought.Then, suddenly, a d... read more

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More jokes about: #Prospect #Bounded
A little story of a boy and his dog.

A little story of a boy and his dog.

m boy and pup to dog and man. They were as close as any man and beast have ever been.

One day, as Timmy was out on a walk down the road with his faithful companion, a car lost control and headed straight for the pair. Though it happened in an instant, the moment occurred in slow motion. Timmy's dog barked fiercely at the oncoming car as Timmy froze in fear. The instant before the vehicle impacted, his dog lunged and knocked his master from the 2.5 ton 3.5 liter moving mass of death.

Tears rolled down poor Timmy's face as he stared in disbelief. His faithful companion let out an innocent whimper as Timmy scooped his broken, canine body from the pavement.

The vet was 2 miles away and Timmy reached it and burst through the door and screamed for help. "My dog!" He cried like a man posessed. "A car . . .my dog. . . Help me!" They hurried him into the back room and laid his dog across the table to let the veterinarian perform his miracle.

The vet was solemn as he looked at the young man and said, "I'm sorry son, your dog is dead." Timmy stared in disbelief. He choked his responses, repeating, "No, no! I want more tests. I want a second opinion."

The vet shrugged his shoulders and left the room. He came back with an old tabby cat. He placed the cat on the end of the table and the tabby walked over Timmy's dog, pawing him every couple steps. Finally he looked at the veterinarian and let out an emphatic, " Mrrooowwwrrrrrrrrrrrrrr."

The vet assistant had to hold Timmy back from his rage, "What the hell? Do some tests, you son of a bitch! Where's the second opinion?" The doctor shrugged and left the room again and a silence settled for a moment.

He came back with an old, blind Labrador. The Labrador sniffed Timmy's dog and barked at the lifeless body. Finally it hung it's head and whimpered. The doctor laid a gentle hand on Timmy's shoulder and said, "It's been confirmed son. This dog is dead."

The disbelief on Timmy's face was obvious. "What are you doing?" He screamed. "I suppose you expect me to pay you for this?"

"Yes," the vet said plainly, "this will be $2050." Timmy couldn't believe it. "Are you insane!?!" he screamed. "How did this cost $2050!?!" The veterinarian shrugged and said, "Well, my fee is $50. Then there's $2000 for the cat scan and lab test."

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More jokes about: #Pavement #Tabby #Cat #Labrador
So an emo teenager went to grocery store.

So an emo teenager went to grocery store.

He went up to the cashier and said, pointing to his scarred arm"Hey, can you scan this?"The cashier then scans the arm, only to say,"I'm sorry sir, but this item is worthless"

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So a woman is at a supermarket...

So a woman is at a supermarket...

She is loading all her items on the conveyer belt for the chasier to scan.

Her items are; A litre of milk, a carton of eggs, and a head of lettuce.

The cashier looks at her and says, "Are you single?"

The customer, shocked at her assumption says, "Yes, I am. How did you know?"

The cashier says, "Because you're ugly."

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I went to the most nonchalent doctor for an MRI scan...

I went to the most nonchalent doctor for an MRI scan...

...after all the trouble of going in the machine he randomly decided to cancel the appointment before even turning it on.Zero flux given.

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More jokes about: #Flux #Mri
How does a Scandinavian man catcall?.

How does a Scandinavian man catcall?.

"Hey, you look like someone that could show me the right bus to take."

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More jokes about: #Catcall #Scan