Newest 10000+ Send off Jokes and Puns

Don't worry about the antivax fad.

Don't worry about the antivax fad.

It'll die off sooner rather than later.

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A blonde drops a dress off at the cleaners.

A blonde drops a dress off at the cleaners.

As she's leaving the lady behind the counter says "come again"

The blonde says "no just toothpaste this time"

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So there's a little guy sitting at a bar....(heard this years ago, hope it isn't a repost).

So there's a little guy sitting at a bar....(heard this years ago, hope it isn't a repost).

The little guy picks himself up off the floor, dusts himself off, gets back on his stool and just quietly goes back to his drink. The big guy also sits back down, but after a few minutes he gets back up and kicks the little guy who slides all the way to the end of the bar. "That's karate, from Japan."

Again, the little fellow just quietly gets up, goes back to his seat, and resumes drinking. A few more minutes go by and the big fella gets up a third time, grabs the little dude, and throws him right into the door of the bar. "That's kung fu, from China."

This time, however, the little guy gets up and just walks out. After some time he walks back in, right up behind the big guy, and cracks him over the head, laying him unconscious in the floor. The little guy looks at the bartender and says "You tell that sonofabitch when he wakes up that that was crowbar, from Sears and Roebuck."

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More jokes about: #Muscular #Crowbar
My wife wanted to take a night off from extreme fisting.

My wife wanted to take a night off from extreme fisting.

So I just put my feet up.

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Three Cowboys are gathered around a fire...

Three Cowboys are gathered around a fire...

re hands, broke his neck! Here I am to tell the tale.”

The second cowboy, not at all impressed... “Why that’s nothin! Just yesterday, a 7 foot rattler jumped for my neck! I grabbed him, looked him in the eyes, then I hit his head off, sucked down all his venom, and here I am heathy as an ox.”

The third cowboy sat there quietly, stirring the coals with his penis.

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More jokes about: #Gouge
Prayers.

Prayers.

I spend, won't be annoyed.

Pull out my chair and hold my hand..

Massage my feet and help me stand.

Oh send a king to make me queen.

A man who loves to cook and clean.

I pray this man will love no other.

And relish visits with my mother.

A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with

Big boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,

And loves to send me fishing and drinking. This

Doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

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More jokes about: #Creep
Glans.

Glans.

to give men pleasure.

Brighton Uni spent £50.00 and said it is there to stop your hand slipping off the end.

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More jokes about: #Cambridge #Oxford #Brighton
A foreigner accepts an ad for a roomate position...

A foreigner accepts an ad for a roomate position...

ncept of shame. The young man of the couple found out after walking in on the foreigner having sex in the living room, and he *didn't stop*. Instead, the foreigner calmly greeted the young man and went on his merry way.

Later, the young man sat the foreigner down for a talk about embarassment, shame, the works. He explains that if the door is ever closed to his bedroom, that you should knock first, and the man will let you come in. To make sure he gets it, he repeats.

"If the door is closed, knock, and I will let you come in."

And all is good.

Eventually, the young couple get frisky, and escape off into the bedroom. The foreigner picks up on his newly learned social cue and decides to wait for them to finish while he sits in the living room. All he can hear, however, is a

*thump*

*thump*

*thump*

This goes on for about 45 minutes. Finally, the two walk out of the room. The foreigner looks to the woman and says

"Did you finally let him come in?"

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More jokes about: #Thump #Foreigner
A farmhand hits a pig with his truck.

A farmhand hits a pig with his truck.

Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush." The farm worker says okay and signs off.

About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the wiggling pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."

"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped. "The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!"

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More jokes about: #Wriggling
I feel like a gigolo.

I feel like a gigolo.

A lady came to the shop with her front license plate hanging off. I put in a couple of screws and she gave me $10.

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More jokes about: #Screws
A private comes home early from Airborne school.

A private comes home early from Airborne school.

scared looking at the ground so far below. I grabbed onto the door and I wasn't jumping out for anything. The jumpmaster was at the door screaming at me and trying to push me out, but I had a good grip and wasn't going anywhere. Finally, the jumpmaster said, "If you don't jump right now, I'm going to rip off your pants and fuck you right in your asshole."

The private stopped the story. His father says, "Well, what happened? Did you jump?"

The private responded, "Yeah. A little. At first."

It makes it a bit funnier that our jumpmaster told us this joke as we were circling up for our first jump.

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A Girls First Time.

A Girls First Time.

As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.

He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible.

As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful.

Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

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More jokes about: #Deeply #Muscles #Shiver #Tighten
Forgive me, Father, for I am sinning.

Forgive me, Father, for I am sinning.

I'm jerking off right now, in this confession booth.

To the Bible.

And don't act so surprised, you were the one who told me to come to Jesus!

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More jokes about: #Booth
A blonde in her Corvette convertible passes a policeman at high speed.

A blonde in her Corvette convertible passes a policeman at high speed.

e yellow line, passes the stopped traffic, running the red light, and then takes a hard right turn just missing a woman crossing with a baby stroller. Then as she proceeds at a high speed down the next street, she suddenly sees a parking spot and makes a hard turn into it, but not braking fast enough. She plows into the car parked ahead and sets off her air bags.

The policeman finally catches up, gets out and runs to her car, as she opens the door struggling to get out from under the inflated air bags. The policeman shoves them aside and takes her by her arm to get her out, when suddenly he realizes she is buck naked from head to toe.

Stunned, he asks, "Why are you totally naked?"

"Oh thank god," she replies, "I thought you were going to ask me about my driving."

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More jokes about: #Mailbox #Stroller
Four nuns at the pearly gates.

Four nuns at the pearly gates.

ouched him, but only with this finger, I swear!"

St Pete: "Calm yourself. Just wash your finger in this bucket of holy water, then enter. Next!"

Second nun: "I too was overcome by this abbot's wretched allurement, but also didn't desecrate myself, well except for this here finger."

St Pete: "Cleanse your finger and away into paradise with you".

Suddenly the fourth nun in the que rushed forward, elbowing the third nun out of the way and nearly knocking a bust of Jesus almighty off of its piedestal on her way. She dived into the bucket, face first, gurgling with water splashing everywhere.

St Pete: "What in God's name are you doing woman?!"

Fourth nun, pointing at the third nun: "Gotta wash my mouth before she sticks her ass in the bucket!"

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More jokes about: #Pure #Elbow
A husband and wife are out golfing...

A husband and wife are out golfing...

y, how about I just open the doors, and you can just chip it right through straight toward the green?"

The husband agrees, and the wife opens the doors for him and stands to the side. He then lines up his shot, takes it, and the ball ricochets off the barn and hits his wife in the head, killing her instantly.

...

A few years later, the husband is out golfing on the same course with a friend of his. On that same 14th hole, he hits his shot to exactly the same place near the barn. Just as he's about to hit his second shot around the barn, his friend says,

"Wait, how about I just open the doors and you can chip it right through toward the green?"

The husband replies "Nah, last time I tried that I shot a bogey."

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More jokes about: #Bogey #14th
I told you I was broke.

I told you I was broke.

o away" said the old lady. "I'm broke and haven't got any money!" She proceeds to close the door.

Quick as a flash the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open."Don't be too hasty!" He said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure on to her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum does not remove all traces of manure from your carpet, madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said "well let me get you a fork, cause they cut off my electricity this morning.

Credits goes to the homemade humor.

Sadly their site isn't around any more so I thought I can share some of their best works with you all.

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A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank.

A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank.

The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff.

Before the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out, "Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!"

The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car... and waited... and waited... and waited... and waited. After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bursts out of the bank's doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up. The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it. A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to reach for his gun. The blonde breathed heavily as she tried to put the safe in the car but finally just gave up and dropped the safe behind. She ran into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut, the car already moving. The security guard yelled, "Stop! Stop!" while the pair drove off, leaving the safe with rope tied tightly around it behind. The brunette frantically asked the blonde, "What the hell happened in there?!?"

The blonde was panting and turned to the brunette and choked out, "What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly!"

The brunette paused and yelled, "YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!"

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More jokes about: #Lug #Tie #Up
Three men walking through a desert: a very dirty joke !.

Three men walking through a desert: a very dirty joke !.

s if she hasn't bathed in years. So the first man walks up and says, " Hello ma'am, would you be so kind as to give us some water? We are on the brink of dying of dehydration." She responds with, " Sure! I'd love to help! But you'll have to fuck me for it!" So the man tries as hard as he can just get it over with, but to no avail, he throws up all over her just from the putrid smell. She is disgusting enough to not even bother wiping it off. The second man walks up and asks, " ma'am, please could you spare some food? We have been walking for days without food." She says, " Of course, honey! But you're going to have to fuck me for it!" The man, determined to eat, almost goes through with it. Until she disrobes that is, the unsightly, misshapen body causes him to puke all over her. Again she refuses to clean herself. Then, the final man walks up and says, "Ma'am, i see you have a jeep out in the front. Would you mind if we were to borrow it to get home?" She then says, " I don't mind at all ! You'll just have to fuck me for it!" The third man then says, "Oh, i'll fuck ya, i'll fuck ya good, you're just going to have to do me a favor and shut your eyes whilst i do it. She agrees and closes her crusty old eyes. The third man then snatches a cob of corn off her table and proceeds to ram it into her until she was satisfied. He then throws the, now dripping wet, cob of corn out the kitchen window. "OH, wow you're good! That was great! Here, you can keep the jeep." The third man then asks for food and water, and uses two more cobs of corn to satisfy the woman's sick needs. He then goes outside to alert his friends of the good news. "Guys! Isn't this great? I got food, water, AND we can keep the jeep!" The other two men reply with, " Well that's fantastic, but man, you just missed out on the most buttered corn!"

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More jokes about: #Jeep #Cobs
A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table.

A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table.

ency expert visited our restaurant. He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."

The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"

The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."

"Wait a minute," said the diner, "How do you get your penis back in your pants?"

"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."

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More jokes about: #Elbow #Efficiency #Spoons