Best 248 Seniors Jokes and Puns

There is a senior citizen driving on the highway.

There is a senior citizen driving on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, ''Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there is a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!''

Herman says, ''I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!''

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Friend 1: Thank you, Captain Obvious!

Friend 1: Thank you, Captain Obvious!

Friend 2: Your welcome, Sergeant Sarcasm!

Friend 1: Indeed, Comrade Comeback!

Friend 2: Thank you, Senior Smartass!

Friend 1: Anytime, Dictator Dickhead!

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More jokes about: #Funny #Comeback
I grew a beard thinking it would say "Distinguished Gentleman." Instead, turns out it says, "Senior Discount, Please!"

I grew a beard thinking it would say Distinguished Gentleman. Instead, turns out it says, Senior Discount, Please!

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More jokes about: #One #Liner #Age #Attitude
Mrs. Green lived in two story house together with an elderly widow.

Mrs. Green lived in two story house together with an elderly widow. After not hearing from her for a few days, she got a bit nervous. “John”, she called to her son “do me a favor and go find out how old Mrs. Robinson is.” So six year old John went down the stairs and knocked on Mrs. Robinson’s door. “So how is she?” asked Mrs. Green when John came back up. “How is she?” repeated John “I’ve never seen her so mad in my life, she said it’s none of your business how old she is.”

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More jokes about: #Funny #Stories #Little #Johnny #Senior
3 Musketeers is a good name 
for a chocolate bar, but a bad name 
for an Army division.

3 Musketeers is a good name

for a chocolate bar, but a bad name

for an Army division. Shout is a good name for

a stain remover, but a better name

for a senior citizen home. PetSmart is a good name for

a pet store, but the best name

for a university. Andy Simmons

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More jokes about: #Puns
So...I’m (male) at Gap shopping for clothes back in senior year of high school...(long).

So...I’m (male) at Gap shopping for clothes back in senior year of high school...(long).

I notice that she’s still randomly looking over at me, so I begin to stare back. Then, all of a sudden, she walks over to me.

Her: “I’m sorry to be staring at you like that.”

Me: “It’s ok, I guess.”

Her: “It’s just crazy though. You look just like my son!”

Me: “Ooh, ok.” And think, well, I guess that makes more sense. But then she goes:

Her: “But he died 3 months ago.”

Me: “Wow, I am so sorry...”

Her: “No, no. It’s totally fine. It’s just nuts how much you look like him. Can you do me a favor?”

Me: “What’s that?”

Her: “When I leave the store, can you wave goodbye to me and say “Bye Mom”? It would really help...you know...for uh, closure?”

So I think to myself, in the heat of the moment, I guess I’ll do the nice thing in this incredibly awkward situation and just go along with it. So I say:

Me: “Sure.”

So I continue seeking out my purchases and end up selecting one shirt and one pair of jeans. I get to the counter to pay, and she happens to be right in front of me in line. She grabs her bags of clothes and heads to the end of the store, by the exit. And stands there. Waiting. I actually have to do this....

So, I wave to her and mouth the words “Bye Mom”.

She nods her head in thankfulness, turns around, and walks away.

I’m still sitting there in a bit of shock at the whole situation. All of a sudden, the person ringing me up says:

Cashier: “Your total is $811.37.”

Me: “Wait, what?”

Cashier: “Your total is $811.37.”

Me: “But...all I bought was a pair of pants and a shirt!”

Cashier: “Well, wasn’t that your mom?”

Me: “Uh, why?”

Cashier: “Well, she told me she had to get to an appointment but that you were her son, and you would pay for her stuff.”

So then it all clicks for me, and I go:

Me: “Sir, I’ll be right back!!”

And I start running out of the store trying to find her. We’re in a mall, so I begin running as fast as I can for the nearest exit. I get there and I see her (with her four bags), and she sees me. She had a car waiting, engine on and everything. She throws the bags into the backseat, and opens the front door. She goes to sit down in the front seat, and before she can close the door, I run as fast as I can, and I jump and start pulling on her leg just like I’m pulling on yours!

*(Joke works best in person, when they believe it actually happened to you)*

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More jokes about: #Closure
Mr. Smith is Dead.

Mr. Smith is Dead.

A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm's senior partner had passed away unexpectedly.

"Is Mr. Smith there?", asked the client on the phone.

"I'm very sorry, but Mr. Smith passed away last night," the receptionist answered.

"Is Mr. Smith there?", repeated the client.

The receptionist was perplexed. "Perhaps you didn't understand me I'm afraid Mr. Smith passed away last night."

"Is Mr. Smith there?", asked the client again.

"Ma'am, do you understand what I'm saying?", said the exasperated receptionist. "Mr. Smith is DEAD!"

"I understand you perfectly," the client sighed. "I just can't hear it often enough."

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More jokes about: #Unexpectedly #Receptionist #Sighed
Labor union joke.

Labor union joke.

A labor union organizer goes to a whorehouse and asks the madam if the girls are in a union. "Sorry," she replies, so he leaves.

He goes to a second whorehouse, and again asks the madam if the girls are in a union. When told they are not, he asks, "How can I spend my money here when you do not share your profits with your labor?" and leaves.

He goes to a third whorehouse and again asks the madam if the girls are in a union. "They are," the madam proudly replies. "Great," he says. "I'll go with that cute little blonde over there." "You can't," the madam says. "You have to go with the old grey-haired lady over there. She has seniority."

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More jokes about: #Proudly #Madam
Topical Jokes for 1/12.

Topical Jokes for 1/12.

The White House said that not sending a senior official to the Paris liberty march was a mistake. Joe Biden was supposed to fly there, but he's not allowed on a plane unless he's accompanied by an adult.

United Airlines is considering outsourcing jobs to cut costs. From now on, one lucky passenger will get to fly the plane, while being fed instructions from a customer-service rep in Mumbai.

In North Carolina, a woman accidentally shot her husband when he surprised her with breakfast in bed. The woman then saw he was carrying breakfast from Taco Bell -- and shot him again.

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More jokes about: #Liberty #Joe #Biden
The Mature Lady.

The Mature Lady.

e one.

Traffic Cop: ...Don't have one?

Older Woman: No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Traffic Cop: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Traffic Cop: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Traffic Cop: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Traffic Cop: You what!?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up.

Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!

Officer 2: Yes, could you open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The traffic cop is quite stunned.

Officer 2: My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license quizzically.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!

Older Woman: Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.

Moral??

Don't Mess With Mature Ladies

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Officer Discussing "Relations".

Officer Discussing "Relations".

A party is going on at the Generals house, and four officers are discussing relations.

The General asks how much of it is Fun and how much is work, stating "I think its about 90% work, and 10% fun."

The Commander reluctantly disagrees saying "Sir I think it's more like 25% fun 75% work"

One of the department heads says "In my experience its about 50% work, 50% fun."

To which the JO (Junior Officer) says "I dunno, I know I'm not married sir, but I always thought it was 80% fun, and 20% work"

Just then the Senior Enlisted Advisor walks by so they ask him.

Thinking for a moment he responds "It must be 100% fun, because if any work was involved you four would have enlisted guys over at your house doing it for you."

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More jokes about: #Relations #Officers #Junior
Our favorite museum in town displays quilts from around the country.

Our favorite museum in town displays quilts from around the country. When I visited recently, I asked the woman at the front desk about a senior discount. It wasn't to be. Sir, she said, this is a quilt museum. We give discounts to teenagers.

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Extreme Sexual Disorder.

Extreme Sexual Disorder.

A group of young doctors are on psychiatric residency. On the first day the senior ward psychiatrist tells them to peer into the window of a room. The take a peek and to their dismay they see a man frantically masturbating in the most violent of ways.They ask the psychiatrist what's wrong wi... read more

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More jokes about: #Stimulate #Disorder
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?' 'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?' 'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

aid there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??' 'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you're going to lose

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More jokes about: #Approach #Receptionist #Crowd
A 65 year old man driving through the city and his car is weaving all over the road. Eventually a cop pulls him over.

A 65 year old man driving through the city and his car is weaving all over the road. Eventually a cop pulls him over.

"Did you know," says the cop, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the senior. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

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More jokes about: #Sighs #Minute #Eventually
Three senior ladies are sitting on a park bench.

Three senior ladies are sitting on a park bench.

A man walls up in an overcoat and flashes them.

The first two had a stroke. The third would have had a stroke as well but she could not reach.

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More jokes about: #Overcoat
Two Interpol officers were taking a Chinese criminal back to China when they got stranded on an island.

Two Interpol officers were taking a Chinese criminal back to China when they got stranded on an island.

Officer 1, being the senior, came up with a plan for their survival.Officer 1: Ok, so here's what we'll do. Officer 2, you'll go around the island and collect material for us to build a shelter. I will keep trying my phone to try and contact HQ to pick us up. Chinese guy you go into the wood... read more

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A man and a woman are laying in bed.

A man and a woman are laying in bed.

They are both senior citizens and have begun losing their memory.One day they went to the doctor to ask if they can remedy their memory loss in any way and the doctor said that no medication could help so the best thing they can start doing is writing things down to help them remember.... read more

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More jokes about: #Orange #Juice #Vanilla #Laying
Yesterday I saw some kid getting ganged up behind the school by 4 other kids.

Yesterday I saw some kid getting ganged up behind the school by 4 other kids.

As a senior, I have experienced bullying myself so I immediately jump in.That kid got no chance against 5 of us.

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More jokes about: #Gang
Retirees Having Fun.

Retirees Having Fun.

out giving a senior citizen a break?"

...

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him an "asshole"

. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out

tires. So my wife called him a "shit head." He finished the second ticket

and put it on the wind shield with the first.

Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just after the Officer left, our bus arrived. We got on it and went home.

In situations like that we always look for cars with "TRUMP 2016" stickers.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

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More jokes about: #Retirees