Best 193 Software Jokes and Puns

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed!"

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Dear Tech Support,

Dear Tech Support,Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.What can I do?Signed, DesperateDear Desperate,First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.Please enter the command "! http: I Thought You Loved Me.html" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.But remember,overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend! Food 3.0 and HotLingerie 7.7.Good Luck, Tech Support

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Dear Tech Support:

Dear Tech Support:Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6.I can''t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!Thanks,Troubled UserDear Troubled User:This is a very common problem that men complain about.Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING !!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5, and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!Best of luck,Tech Support

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What did the computer say to the girl using it?

What did the computer say to the girl using it?

You turn my software in to hardware.

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Yo mamma is so fat that when she sat on a laptop, the hardware turned into software!

Yo mamma is so fat that when she sat on a laptop, the hardware turned into software!

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If debugging is the process of removing software bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.

If debugging is the process of removing software bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.

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Nerd - Can I touch your software

Nerd - Can I touch your software

Girl - Only if I can touch your hard drive first

Nerd - Can I install it into your system?

Girl - Only if you cover it with anti-virus

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I just bought a new gun that has facial recognition software.

I just bought a new gun that has facial recognition software.

It keeps firing until it doesn't recognize a face anymore.

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Why was the computer shy?.

Why was the computer shy?.

Because it had hardware and software but no underware.

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Why do feminists hate most software developers?.

Why do feminists hate most software developers?.

Because developers look at everything as objects

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Which Hollywood actor can be a Software engineer in US?.

Which Hollywood actor can be a Software engineer in US?.

Dev Patel

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Some people are like a software update.

Some people are like a software update.

Some people are like a software update . When I see them I think Not now

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Arguing....

Arguing....

Arguing with your wife is like reading a Software Licence Agreement. In the end, you just ignore everything and click "Agree".

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Q: Why did the Software Validation Engineer cheat on his wife?.

Q: Why did the Software Validation Engineer cheat on his wife?.

A: Because he was doing exploratory testing!Q: Why did he cheat on her second time? A: Because he was doing stress testing.Q: And why did he cheat for the third time? A: Because he is an asshole, after all.

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Was playing with a new animation software but forgot to add any dialogue.

Was playing with a new animation software but forgot to add any dialogue.

It rendered me speechless.

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Software development cycle.

Software development cycle.

1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discov... read more

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Did you hear about the British chap who was just as adept with social niceties as with troubleshooting network systems and software?.

Did you hear about the British chap who was just as adept with social niceties as with troubleshooting network systems and software?.

He was an 'igh tea specialist.

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A few one liners from over the years.

A few one liners from over the years.

If you can't be kind, at least be vague

Before the invented baseballs, how did they measure hail

Rehab is for quitters

If you don't go to other people's funerals, then they won't go to yours

I've got three wonderful children. 60% isn't too bad

If your not part of the solution, your part of the precipitate

Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a day, set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life

Always remember your unique, just like everyone else

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

Lead me not into temptation I can find the way myself

I intend to live forever, so far so good

My software never has bugs it just develops random features

Politicians and diapers should both be changed regularly and for the same reason

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things

Somedays your the dog and others your the hydrant

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die

He doesn't have a beer belly, he has developed a liquids grain storage facility

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive up ATM

If we aren't supposed to eat animals whys re they made of meat

If its tourist season why can't we shoot them

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The Mechanical Engineer, Project Manager and the Software Enginner.

The Mechanical Engineer, Project Manager and the Software Enginner.

A Mechanical Engineer, Project Manager and the Software Engineer were driving down a mountain when suddenly the car slides off the road and rolls down the Mountain. Amazingly none of the occupants had been hurt.

The Mechanical Engineer steps out and says hand me my Swiss army knife I will have this repaired in no time and we can be on our way.

The Project Manager says Wait Up, We need to set achievable goals, set a timeline and ensure we are all working with maximum efficiency to solve this problem.

The Software Engineer Just says "Wow! that is strange, lets push it back up and see if it happens again"

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I've created a writing software to rival Microsoft.

I've created a writing software to rival Microsoft.

It's their Word against mine.

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