Best 677 Tip Jokes and Puns

Why did the blonde tip toe near the medicine cabinet?

Why did the blonde tip toe near the medicine cabinet? Because she didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!!

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A Canadian, an American, and a Mexican were on a North American transcontinental flight.

A Canadian, an American, and a Mexican were on a North American transcontinental flight. The Canadian stuck his hand out of the plane, and said, "We have reached Canada." The others asked, "How do you know?" The Canadian responded, "Because I have just touched the tip of the CN tower." A couple hours later, the American sticks his hand out of the plane and said, "We have reached the USA." The rest asked, "How do you know?" The american replied, "Because I have just touched the tip of the Empire State Building." Another couple of hours passed and the Mexican said, "We have just reached Mexico." The American and Canadian asked, "How do you know?" The Mexican answered, "Because when I stuck my hand out the window someone stole my watch."

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One day a man and woman were in their bedroom making love.

One day a man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the lady parted her legs, the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!" The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit." The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "Okay, what I'm going to do is rub some honey over the tip of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis, I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina. The husband nodded and gave his approval. The lady said, "Yes, whatever, just get on with it." So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, entered the woman. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should try further." The lady began to quiver with excitement, moaning aloud. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself. The husband became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the hell do you think you're doing?" The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard!"

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A man and his wife are having sex when a bee flies into the woman's vagina and won't come out.

A man and his wife are having sex when a bee flies into the woman's vagina and won't come out. They got to the doctor and he says that he wants to try and put honey on the tip of his penis to lure the bee out. The man reluctantly agrees and his wife and the doctor start having sex. After a while it has gotten more intense and the man angrily asks if he was still trying to get the bee out and the doctor replies "Change of plans. I'm going to drown the little bastard!"

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Sister Marry was truly a religious woman.

Sister Marry was truly a religious woman. Besides for her duties as a nun, she was also very active in various hospitals visiting sick patients and taking care of all their needs.

So it was no surprise that one day when she ran out of gas, the only container she could find to put the gas into was a bedpan. Sister Mary happily walked two blocks to the closest gas station filled up the bedpan with gas and headed back to her car.

Luck would have it that as Sister Mary started tipping the gas into the fuel tank, the traffic light turned red and she had quite a large audience witnessing the spectacle.

Just when she finished pouring in the last drops of gas a fellow opened up his window and hollered, “I swear! If that car starts I’m becoming a religious man!”

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Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?

Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?

'Cause she didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.

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LISTEN UP, GIRLS

LISTEN UP, GIRLS

Here is a few tips for when you're texting guys:

1. Don't expect a reply every 5 minutes, the average Call of Duty game lasts around 10 minutes.

2. Try to keep the texts short, it gives us a chance to answer you during a kill cam.

3. Utilise naked pictures... guys LOVE naked pictures

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More jokes about: #Funny #Anti humor
In the men's bathroom, an accountant, a lawyer, and a cowboy were standing side by side using the urinal.

In the men's bathroom, an accountant, a lawyer, and a cowboy were standing side by side using the urinal. The accountant finished, zipped up, and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands, clear up to his elbows. He used 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan, and they taught us to be clean." The lawyer finished, zipped up, and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of California, and they taught us to be environmentally conscious." The cowboy zipped up, and as he was walking out the door, he said, "I graduated from Texas Tech University, and they taught us not to piss on our hands."

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Tip for giving a great hand job: Use your mouth.

Tip for giving a great hand job: Use your mouth.

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What did the leper say to the prostitute?

What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip.

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Q: What do you call a cow with 3 legs?

Q: What do you call a cow with 3 legs?

A: tri-tip

Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?

A: Ground Beef

Q: What do you call a cow with 2 legs?

A: Your mom

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A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die.

A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so.

St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?"

The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..."

St. Peter says "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted." and she did so.

St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" "Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment..."

"Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so.

Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun "Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!"

Sister Susan responds "Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"

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As I was taking a walk with my daughter one day, I noticed something green in her hair.

As I was taking a walk with my daughter one day, I noticed something green in her hair.   To my disbelief I pulled out a piece of lettuce from her hair.  “Whoa!” she exclaimed, “is there anything else in there?”  she asked.  “Oh no!” I joked.  “That was just the tip of the Iceberg!”

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A trucker is hired to deliver a bunch of generic black bowling balls to the new bowling alley across town.

A trucker is hired to deliver a bunch of generic black bowling balls to the new bowling alley across town. As hes driving, a deer runs out in front of his truck and he swerves and tips the truck, and his cargo goes flying everywhere. He jumps out of the truck and begins trying to gather up the bowling bowls. He notices that an old woman has run out of her house with a baseball bat and is beating the bowling balls with it. He runs over to her an yells, "what do you think you're doin' lady???" and she screams in distress, "I'm breaking them before they hatch."

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Today’s Parenting Tip: Treat a difficult child the way you would your boss at work.

Today’s Parenting Tip: Treat a difficult child the way you would your boss at work. Praise his achievements, ignore his tantrums and resist the urge to sit him down and explain to him how his brain is not yet fully developed. ~Robert Brault

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I can’t tell the difference between a rose and a dandelion.

I can’t tell the difference between a rose and a dandelion. So when it came time to fix up my garden, I had no clue which plants to keep and which ones to remove. Until, that is, my mother gave me this handy tip: "Pull them all up. If it comes back, it’s a weed."

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What's the best part about being a Rabbi?

What's the best part about being a Rabbi?

You get to keep the tips.

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Being a teacher is great, I only work a half day.

Being a teacher is great, I only work a half day.

12 hours/day.

Thank you, don't forget to tip your TA, I'll be here all week (M-F except Federal Holiday) folks!

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The Good Date Potato Pancake Joke.

The Good Date Potato Pancake Joke.

Was recently told this joke by my professor.A boy is going on a date. Nervous, he asks the father for tips. The father runs the basics down and stresses one thing. "Now son, there are only three things you can talk about : Food, Family and Philosophy".The boy has no reason to doubt h... read more

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I was told that tipping your server is normal in America.

I was told that tipping your server is normal in America.

I was told that tipping your server is normal in America

But apparently this will get you fired as a systems administrator.

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