Best 84 Toughest Jokes and Puns

Three Cowboys.

Three Cowboys.

Three cowboys were sitting around a campfire telling stories after a hard days work on the prairie. The youngest cowboy says, “I'm the toughest man in the state! Just last week, a mammoth bull gored 10 men on the range, but I stepped in and wrestled it to the ground with nothing but my bar... read more

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More jokes about: #Prairie
A stranger walks into a local bar...

A stranger walks into a local bar...

ylights out of poor Clyde and leaves.

Next day the big man walks back into the bar, "Who is the toughest son of a bitch in here?", he yells again at the bar keeper.

"Well Dwight is sitting at the end of the bar eating a sandwich, but you best not mess with him.

The tough guy walks down to the end of the bar, picks up Dwight's sandwich, takes a bite, drops it on the floor and grinds his heel into it.

Dwight stands up to punch this sucker but the though guy proceeds to beat the piss out of him leaving him a bloody mess, and leaves.

After two more days of this the bar keeper gets an gorilla from his buddy at the zoo, and locks it in a stall in the men's room.

Though guy walks in, "Who is the toughest mother fucker in here today?" He demands.

"In the john taking a shit"

The tough guy storms into the bathroom, slams the door and it sounds like World War Three. Pictures fall off the wall, dust puffs out from under the door, etc. This goes on for 25 minutes.

Finally the tough guy staggers out of the john, black eyes, broken arm, dragging his leg, just beat to hell.

"I see you finally met you match, eh?" Says the bar keeper.

"No, you tell that asshole when he comes to, his fur coat is on the toilet.

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More jokes about: #Heel #Daylight #Keeper #Puffs
What's the toughest part about writing a book?

What's the toughest part about writing a book? It's deciding what to call it, as these finalists for the Diagram Prize for Oddest Book Title of the Year prove. Afterthoughts of a Worm Hunter An Intellectual History of Cannibalism Father Christmas Needs a Wee! Collectible Spoons of the 3rd Reich The Changing World of Inflammatory Bowel Disease

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More jokes about: #Dumb
A man walks into a brothel...

A man walks into a brothel...

Which is well known for its good looking ladies and good food.He walks up to the desk and slams £1000 on the counter "I'd like the toughest most over cooked steak you do and the ugliest girl you have for one hour. But she needs to tell me she has a headache and to do it myself" The madame looks ... read more

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The toughest cowboy.

The toughest cowboy.

Three cowboys were sitting around the fire telling ole cowboy stories to prove how tough they were. The first cowboy said " One time there was a ragin' bull, runnin' wild in the town, destroyin' everything! So I ran em' down, grabbed em' by the horns and resettled him to the ground ". The second cow... read more

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More jokes about: #Fangs #Rattler #Fang
The toughest part of applying for a new job is having to explain why you're no longer at your previous one.

The toughest part of applying for a new job is having to explain why you're no longer at your previous one. Here are rationalizations from cover letters that did no one any good: My boss thought I could do better elsewhere. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers. Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job hopping.' I have never quit a job. Responsibilities make me nervous.

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More jokes about: #Office
A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar...

...and walks up to the bartender. "Point out the toughest assholes in the place. I'm going to kick their asses."The bartender looks around and notices a table in the back with four military guys sitting around it. A Marine, an Army soldier, an Air Force soldier, and a Navy sailor.... read more

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More jokes about: #Beijing
A Hawaii woodpecker and a California woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees.

A Hawaii woodpecker and a California woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees.

The Hawaiian woodpecker said Hawaii had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The California woodpecker accepted his challenge, and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe. The California woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecke... read more

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More jokes about: #Woodpecker #Awe #California
What’s the toughest part about using natural remedies instead of vaccines?.

What’s the toughest part about using natural remedies instead of vaccines?.

Dying when they don’t work.

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More jokes about: #Remedies #Vaccine
2 slabs of concrete walk into a bar..

2 slabs of concrete walk into a bar..

ints, and 2 shots of tequila! Because I'm even harder!

The barman complies and makes the drinks.

A few more moments pass with the barman listening to the 2 discussing who's the most tough, when suddenly the door opens and a tiny piece of tarmac walks through the door.

Both slabs of concrete quickly jump behind the bar and cower, shaking, and hide.

The tarmac walks up to the bar, and softly orders a small orange juice, drinks it then leaves, and the 2 slabs of concrete come back out from behind the bar.

The barman notices all this and says " hold on, I thought you 2 were the toughest around? Yet, terrified of that tiny piece of tarmac??"

Concrete 1 replies " we may be tough yes, but the tarmac....that guys a cycle path!"

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More jokes about: #Cower #Tequila
You know what the toughest part of being a gay black police officer is?.

You know what the toughest part of being a gay black police officer is?.

The discrimination.

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More jokes about: #Toughest #Hardest #Discrimination
Toilets are the toughest piece of hardware in our houses.

Toilets are the toughest piece of hardware in our houses.

They take shit from everybody like a champ.

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More jokes about: #Champ #Hardware
A general, air marshal and admiral were arguing over whose men were the toughest.

A general, air marshal and admiral were arguing over whose men were the toughest.

The general says, “Alright, I’ll prove the army has the toughest men in the country. Private, get overhere!” The private reports as ordered, “Yes sir?”The general says, “See that man over there? Kill him!” Without hesitating, the private kills the man. The general says, “See? That ma... read more

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More jokes about: #Ac
I was approached by a lady today...

I was approached by a lady today...

I was approached by a lady today. She offered me sex if I advertise a product on reddit. Naturally, I declined because my morals are very strong. Miracle Spray strong. From the kitchen to the bathroom and everywhere in between, Miracle Spray disinfectant is formulated to tackle your toughest situati... read more

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More jokes about: #Formulate
My Jewish Grandmother's favorite Holocaust joke.

My Jewish Grandmother's favorite Holocaust joke.

It's Winter of 1942 and the German SS is in full extermination mode when a new train of Jews comes into the camp. Immediately the Train Conductor goes to the general and tells the general.

"These are the toughest Jews I have ever seen, General."

The general nods. "Then we will take no chances and immediately send them to the crematorium."

The Jews from the train are herded into the crematorium rooms and locked in for three days while the fires rage on. The general comes back to see the fruits of their labor, the toughest Jews burned to ashes. But when he opens the door...

"What are you doing?! You're going to let all the warm air out?!"

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More jokes about: #Toughest
Regarding the SCOTUS approval of gay marriage, Iowa representative Steve King has just said (and this is a real quote) "you could marry your your lawnmower with this decision".

Regarding the SCOTUS approval of gay marriage, Iowa representative Steve King has just said (and this is a real quote) "you could marry your your lawnmower with this decision".

Marrying your lawnmower is fine, but when it comes time to leave, writing that John Deere letter is the toughest part.

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More jokes about: #Marrying #Toughest
What's the toughest part about being Batman?.

What's the toughest part about being Batman?.

Knowing that you'll never make your parents proud.

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More jokes about: #Tough #Toughest #Part
An American, Englishman, & Australian were arguing which of their versions of football were the toughest.

An American, Englishman, Australian were arguing which of their versions of football were the toughest.

An American, and Englishman, and an Australian were discussing which of their particular brands of football were the toughest.The American said, "We've got this quarterback Peyton Manning who's just won his second Super Bowl ring. Well, one day Manning was sacked so hard, his front split op... read more

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More jokes about: #Skull #Touchdown #Newman
My girlfriend told me that her gran died of food poisoning.

My girlfriend told me that her gran died of food poisoning.

The toughest part was acting surprised.

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More jokes about: #Toughest
You know the toughest part about being a gay black police officer?.

You know the toughest part about being a gay black police officer?.

The discrimination.

Stolen from Brooklyn Nine-Nine.

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More jokes about: #Toughest #Discrimination