Best 28 Unsafe Jokes and Puns

The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.

The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it before he got home to his wife. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to play with his unit. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." The cop replied, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

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A schoolreunion.

A schoolreunion.

as pulling his face up and down at the same time.

The man introduces himself as John, a childhood friend of Chris. Chris remembers the name very well, but the man sitting beside him doesn't look anything like what he did in high-school.

No worries, John says. Almost no one recognizes me anymore. I used to be short and chubby, but nowadays I'm tall as a redwood and slim as a twig. This change of appearance happened in only a few months too! John laughs.

Chris seems a bit puzzled, so John tells him a bit more about what has happened in his life during this last year.

About eight months ago me and my wife lived in a slightly unsafe neighborhood. We were fine with it as we both own guns, and know what to avoid there.

The situation changed when my wife got pregnant. We didn't want to raise our child in an unsafe place, so we decided to move into a gated community.

A few weeks after we made our decision we found out that the CEO of Tesla, Elon Musk, was remaking a whole neighborhood into a modern gated community to test prototypes for Tesla.

A lot of people applied to get a house there, and luckily we were accepted. The grounds are very secure, and no one but the inhabitants and different services get in or out.

The only weird thing about living there is that we noticed that we started to stretch out a bit. When i moved there i was a bit below 5'7, but as you can notice I'm much taller now. Same goes for everyone else in the area.

Well why don't you leave? It seems very weird to live in a place where you mystically stretch out when you move in.

I guess that is the price of living in an Elon-gated community

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A doctor told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.

A doctor told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it before he got home to his wife. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realiz... read more

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More jokes about: #Act #Solution
Workers and Cats.

Workers and Cats.

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist and the fourth man was a government worker. To show off, the engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.. But the accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles with three cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. But the chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a ten ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly eight ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good. Then the three men turned to the government worker and said, ""What can your cat do?" The government worker called to his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff. Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, bit the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers' Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

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More jokes about: #Chemist #Bragging #Pen
Unsafe Anal Sex.

Unsafe Anal Sex.

r>

"Well, then," the doctor continued, "there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you are very careful not to get pregnant."

The woman was mystified. "What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?"

"Of course," the doctor replied. "Where do you think all those lawyers, bankers, billionaires and politicians come from?"

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What's the one type of unsafe tool that most unions are OK with?.

What's the one type of unsafe tool that most unions are OK with?.

Burny sanders

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Why would the Higgs Boson feel unsafe in a country where the leader openly practiced genocide?.

Why would the Higgs Boson feel unsafe in a country where the leader openly practiced genocide?.

It would be a land of mass-murder

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More jokes about: #Boson #Unsafe
Safety in Snowplows.

Safety in Snowplows.

k) she notices a snowplow in the distance up ahead. After a huge sigh of relief she keeps pace with the plow feeling it's safety as it clears the snow in front of her.

Multiple hours pass by when eventually the plow truck pulls over. The driver gets out and approaches her car window. When she rolls it down, he asks: "Why have you been following me for so long? Are you okay?" She replies: "My dad had always told me to follow a snowplow in a blizzard when the roads feel unsafe."

The snowplow driver shrugs his shoulders and replies: "Okay... well I'm finished with this parking lot, I'm heading over to do the one across the street next."

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More jokes about: #Blizzard #Anxiety #Snowplow #Unsafe
Americans: Your kids are being so unsafe.

Americans: Your kids are being so unsafe.

Also Americans: Look it’s my right to give my kids polio

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More jokes about: #Polio #Unsafe
Are you having problems with burglary?

Are you having problems with burglary? Are you unsafe about it? Well, we will teach you to secure your house just in 5 steps.

Step 1: Get a swimming pool

Step 2: Add watermelons in the pool

Step 3: Put some chicken in the pool

Step 4: Get some Jordans and put them as well

Step 5: Relax

Wait until you see the burglar in the pool.

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More jokes about: #Funny #Racial
What do you say when a stirring utensil is doing something unsafe?.

What do you say when a stirring utensil is doing something unsafe?.

Hey that's whisky behavior

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More jokes about: #Behavior
A man was driving around the countryside in his new sports car, moving at speeds that bordered on unsafe.

A man was driving around the countryside in his new sports car, moving at speeds that bordered on unsafe.

view it was clearly a chicken. While the man watched in amazement the bird whizzed by him. He checked his speed as this happened: could it really pass him when he was doing 35? There was no way a chicken was going to make a joke of his $18,000 machine. He slammed down the gas pedal and went screaming toward the offending fowl. He grinned with satisfaction as he passed it but a few seconds later he spotted it running even with him staying in view. He studied the bird and noticed that it had three legs! This was really strange. Suddenly the chicken zipped ahead of his car took a sharp left turn and disappeared behind a haystack. The man had to check this out. He spun his wheel and barely made the turn. As he came around the other side of the haystack, he had to stand on his brakes to avoid the farmer who stood complacently chewing a toothpick and looking blankly at the car that nearly flattened him. The chicken stood nearby not even breathing heavily. The man got out of his car. "This your chicken?" he asked. "Yup." "How is it possible that it has three legs?" "Me and my wife we raise 'em that way" the farmer droned. The man looked puzzled. "Why?" "Well" came the reply "you sit down to dinner with your wife and a guest. You like a drumstick?" "Sure, but..." "And your wife, she likes a drumstick?" "Yeah so?" "Your guest might like one too you reckon?" Now it was clear. "Oh I see!" He smiled. He couldn't wait to spring this on his friends. "What does it taste like?" "Dunno," said the farmer "never caught one."

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Did you know that Santa's not allowed to go down chimneys next year?.

Did you know that Santa's not allowed to go down chimneys next year?.

It was declared unsafe by the Elf and Safety Commission.

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More jokes about: #Go #Down #Unsafe
I was at the bar last night...

I was at the bar last night...

I was at the bar last night and had a few drinks. I knew it was unsafe to take my car home so I took a bus. This was really difficult for me; I've never driven a bus before.

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More jokes about: #Difficult #Drinks
What happens when you take a Chinese smartphone somewhere unsafe?.

What happens when you take a Chinese smartphone somewhere unsafe?.

...you take the Huawei to the Danger Zone.

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A man was driving around the countryside in his new sports car, moving at speeds that bordered on unsafe.

A man was driving around the countryside in his new sports car, moving at speeds that bordered on unsafe.

A man was driving around the countryside in his new sports car moving at speeds that bordered on unsafe. When checking his rear-view mirror he noticed that a small object followed by a trail of dust was closing fast. His curiosity piqued he slowed a bit to get a better look. As the object came into ... read more

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More jokes about: #Reckon #Whizzed #Whizz #Toothpick
Two former spies marry...

Two former spies marry...

br>"Honey, I know it's silly to feel this way, but I feel like our room is bugged. Would you check?" So he gets up to look about the bed, looks over their toiletries, the furniture, even in the toilet and bathtub. But he finds nothing. He comes back to bed with the assurance that they're fine. They start slipping into sleep again when she again shakes her husband. "I just can't help it," she tells him. "I feel like we're being watched."

So again, he gets out of bed to check along the corners of the room, around the television and windows, then around the doors, but still finds nothing. "Sweetheart, I promise you, there is nothing there."

"I just feel unsafe," she explains, and he searches a third time. Finally, after all his searching, he pulls back the massive rug beneath the bed to find an odd metal piece. "This has to be the bug," he decides and goes about pulling it apart. Now that his wife is relieved and feels safe, he comes back to bed so they can have a blissful night of sleep.

The next morning, they are woken to the bellhop bringing them breakfast. As he serves them, he asks, "Did you have a pleasant sleep? Were you okay through the night? Did anything weird happen to you?" Both assure him that they had a wonderful night, and no, nothing strange happened. They ask him why he asks.

"Well, it's strange," he says, "but the people below you somehow had a chandelier fall on top of them during the night."

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More jokes about: #Caviar #Champagne #Unsafe
Safety in Snowplows.

Safety in Snowplows.

A blond gets into her car while an incredibly powerful winter storm surrounds her. She starts the car and puts it in drive when suddenly her anxiety sets in. The horrible weather begins to worry her; she fears that she won't ever get home in it.

It's at this time (and through a stroke of luck) she notices a snowplow in the distance up ahead. After a huge sigh of relief she keeps pace with the plow feeling it's safety as it clears the snow in front of her.

Multiple hours pass by when eventually the plow truck pulls over. The driver gets out and approaches her car window. When she rolls it down, he asks: "Why have you been following me for so long? Are you okay?" She replies: "My dad had always told me to follow a snowplow in a blizzard when the roads feel unsafe."

The snowplow driver shrugs his shoulders and replies: "Okay... well I'm finished with this parking lot, I'm heading over to do the one across the street next."

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More jokes about: #Anxiety #Safety
Studies have shown horses exposed to marijuana are less stable and unsafe to ride.

Studies have shown horses exposed to marijuana are less stable and unsafe to ride.

So get off your high horse.

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More jokes about: #Horse #Marijuana #Exposed
Two musicians, violating social distancing.

Two musicians, violating social distancing.

I was annoyed to see two musicians together today, violating social distancing. They were counting: one repeated "1 2 3, 1 2 3,"…; the other, "1 2 3 4 5, 1 2 3 4 5,"… "Hey!", I said, "It's unsafe, so close together!" "No worries", they replied, "we have two meters between us."

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More jokes about: #Meter #Musician #Two #Meters #Musicians