Best 267 V Jokes and Puns

If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian, then soviet.

If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian, then soviet.

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More jokes about: #One #Liner #Communication #Racist
I went to walmart today and asked customer service for gta v. She was confused so i told her that it was a game with a black guy who crashed his car, sleeps with prostitutes, and attacks ppl with his golf club.

I went to walmart today and asked customer service for gta v. She was confused so i told her that it was a game with a black guy who crashed his car, sleeps with prostitutes, and attacks ppl with his golf club. She came put later with Tiger Woods PGA 2010.

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More jokes about: #Funny
One day at school, little Jimmy needed to go to the restroom so he raised his hand.

One day at school, little Jimmy needed to go to the restroom so he raised his hand. The strict substitute teacher asked him to say the full alphabet before she would let him go. "But Miss, I am bursting to go," said Jimmy. "You may go, but after you say the full alphabet." "A-B-C-D-E-F-G-H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O-Q-R-S-T-U-V-W-X-Y-Z," he said. Catching his mistake, the substitute asked, "Jimmy, where is the 'P?'" He answered, "Halfway down my legs, Miss."

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More jokes about: #Popular jokes
Girl: You're stupid!

Girl: You're stupid!

Boy:No I'm not!

Girl: okay then sing the alphabet!

Boy Ok here it is a,b,c,e,f,g,h,I,j,k,l,m,n,o,p,q,r,s,t,u,v,w,x,y,z. Done!

Girl: you missed out a letter!

Boy: I know I'll give you the d later...

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More jokes about: #Funny #Dirty
Me: Can I go to the restroom?

Me: Can I go to the restroom?

Teacher: Say the alphabet first.

Me: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O - Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Teacher: Wheres the P?

Me: Running down my leg.

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More jokes about: #Funny #Dirty
Have you noticed when you see geese flying and they're in a V pattern, often one side will be longer than the other?

Have you noticed when you see geese flying and they're in a V pattern, often one side will be longer than the other? Do you know why that is?

There are more geese on that side.

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Kid: Nice V-neck looks like my sisters

Kid: Nice V-neck looks like my sisters

Me: Oh I must of picked up the wrong shirt after I fucked her.

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More jokes about: #Funny #Comeback
Bros v. Hoes.

Bros v. Hoes.

A woman doesn't come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.

The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.

A man doesn't come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.

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More jokes about: #Hoes #Claim
Spelling bee in heaven.

Spelling bee in heaven.

A married woman named Harriet was very ill and passed away. When she ascended into heaven, an angel was waiting for her. The angel said, "You can be allowed into heaven, if you spell a word for me." Harriet replies, "OK, what's the word?"

"The word is love."

"L-O-V-E, love." Harriet spells.

"Welcome to heaven, but before you go in, can you watch the gate for me? I have to go do something. If someone comes up you know what to do" the angel asks.

"Okay," and the angel flies away. A couple minutes later her husband, Harry, comes to Heaven. Harriet asks him,

"What are you doing here," and he replies,

"I got so lonely back at home, that I decided to kill myself to come here with you." Harriet then says,

"Well, you have to spell a word to pass to heaven." Harry says,

"Okay, what's the word." Harriet says,

"Czechoslovakia."

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More jokes about: #Gate #Bee
Wife v Hoover.

Wife v Hoover.

After ten years together, what is the difference between a wife and a vacuum cleaner?The vacuum cleaner still sucks.

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More jokes about: #V
Jokes for the week of 4/6-4/12.

Jokes for the week of 4/6-4/12.

t Kat has released a limited run of new flavors, including Sweet Corn, Espresso, and Kit Cat (with real Cat!).

Obama has budgeted $100million for NASA to lasso an asteroid- $99mill for rope and $1mill for the greatest cowboy hat of all time.

A Russian man attempted to win back his ex-wife with a homemade bomb. Here's an exclusive photo of the couple: ‪http://i.imgur.com/uuJTNmK.jpg ‬

During a shooting, cops recommend going for the gunman, because nothing's scarier than being rushed by someone who just shit them self.

A third live poultry trading market has been shut down in China after six strange bird flu deaths. Personally, I think they're just chicken.

As a living human, you have a .00002% chance of being a billionaire. Jim Carrey reports: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zMRrNY0pxfM

Muslims are once again calling for the death of bloggers who blaspheme their religion of peace. "Jesus Christ that's stupid," said Muhammad.

An auction for a baseball card ended at $2.1million, meaning a fucking baseball card nearly joined the nation's wealthiest 1%.

Japan is now selling synthetic schoolgirl pee for only $27, severely undercutting the market for organic schoolgirl pee.

Scientists - "Being launched into a black hole would lead to a fiery death or spaghettification." Everyone else - "Sounds cool as FUCK."

An Italian couple in financial distress committed suicide. "Hopefully these tragic deaths trickle down to more poor people," said the rich.

A former Vice-Mayor in Tennessee gave dozens of women the classic "drive 90mph while masturbating out the window," which is a crime now?

Trayvon Martin's family settled their wrongful death suit for over $1mill. No word on how they'll spend the money, but likely not Skittles.

All based on real news from this week. See more @FridayUpdate on twitter.

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Kid vs Barber.

Kid vs Barber.

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarter... read more

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What starts and ends with a 'v' and is only one letter?.

What starts and ends with a 'v' and is only one letter?.

'w'

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More jokes about: #V #W
To all the ladies and gents who aren't getting the V or the D in Valentine's day.

To all the ladies and gents who aren't getting the V or the D in Valentine's day.

Happy Alentine's Ay

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More jokes about: #V #Gent
There's a new keyboard shortcut in GTA V which if you press it will cause your character to kill minorities.

There's a new keyboard shortcut in GTA V which if you press it will cause your character to kill minorities.

Alt-right

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More jokes about: #V #Alt #Shortcut #Keyboard
I bought GTA V today.

I bought GTA V today.

I had so much fun robbing stores, stabbing civilians, doing hit and runs and blowing up schools. Then I went home and played GTA V.

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More jokes about: #V #Stab #Civilian
The Ice Cream Parlor.

The Ice Cream Parlor.

se?"

The woman thinks for a minute and says, "Yes, I would like a sundae with nuts, whipped cream and chocolate ice cream."

The employee is a bit confused but recovers quickly and says, "I'm sorry ma'am, maybe you didn't quite hear me the first time. We just ran out of chocolate ice cream a few minutes before you came in. This is the first time that has ever happened and I apologize. Our new order comes tomorrow morning. But in the mean time, can I get you something else?"

Again, the woman thinks for a minute before saying, "Yes, I would like a banana split with whipped cream and cherries and chocolate ice cream."

Now the employee is irritated. How is this woman not getting that he's out of chocolate? So he says, "ma'am, I have to ask you a question. Can you spell the van in vanilla?"

The woman looks a bit confused but says, "Yes, V-A-N"

"And can you spell the straw in strawberry?"

"S-T-R-A-W"

"OK, one last question. Can you spell the fuck in chocolate?"

"But there is no fuck in chocolate!"

"Lady, that's what I've been trying to tell you the whole time!"

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More jokes about: #Whipped #Cream
A piece of string walks into a bar...

A piece of string walks into a bar...

A piece of string walks into a bar and proceeds to jump up on a barstool while calling out, "Bartender! Give me a shot of your best single malt."The Bartender looks over at the piece of string and snarls, "We don't serve your kind here - get out!"The piece of string leaves feeling v... read more

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More jokes about: #Malt #Contort #Contorts #Snarl
London Lawyer v Glasgow Cop.

London Lawyer v Glasgow Cop.

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cop's expense!!

Glasgow cop says, " Licence and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and Registration, Please.

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the lawyer and says,

"Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"

/end

This isn't actually illegal in Scotland (beating lawyers, not failing to come to a stop :P ), but the joke is still funny

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When Chuck walks up to the lemonade stand

When Chuck walks up to the lemonade stand

they always have grapes.

If you don't get this, then watch this

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MtN1YnoL46Q

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More jokes about: #Funny #Chuck #Norris