Best 617 Waste Jokes and Puns

A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That's a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl…"

I predict that in the future, Youtube,Twitter, and Facebook will merge to create one super time-wasting site called YouTwitFace.

When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it's "art" and "music"... but when I do it, I'm "wasted" and "have to leave Home Depot".

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in pal. You're obviously drunk." The wasted man asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" "Yeah buddy, I'm sure," said the cop, "Let's go." Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness. I thought I was crippled."

Before Instagram, I used to waste so much time sitting around having to imagine what my friends' food looked like.

How to be Insulting in the Street: Find a bus stop with a waste bin attached to it. Hide a small bottle of champagne and a leg of chicken in the bottom. Wait for a queue to form at the bus stop, then go and rummage in the gutter, and finally look in the bin. Find the things you've hidden, and devour them in front of the people waiting for the bus.

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when

a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river.

At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.

He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!

The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!” The Monkey looks down and says “FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?”

I’ve probably wasted a solid year of my life just staring into the fridge.

Girl I'm wasted, but this condom in my pocket doesn't have to be.

I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

THIS IS SOOOOO FUNNY..........

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who

purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted

this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol Pawn Shop that

sparked my interest.. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was

looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The

effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term

adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat

to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I

loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

Nothing! I was disappointed.

I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it

against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of

electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is

on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that

it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently

(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking

that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh blood moving

target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a

second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.

But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect

herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work

as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading

glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one

hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and

disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause

muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst

would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out

of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the

batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5'

long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and

(loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no

possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my

best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to

one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second

burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.

I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I

touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . ..

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . .. . WHAT THE

HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door,

picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet,

over and over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with

tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles

nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest

position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before,

clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an

attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living

room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser,

one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when

you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your

hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst

would be considered conservative?

SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing

at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and

surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The

recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally

was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom

lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my

sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I

believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant

reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with

it!

other person: stop wasting paper!!

me: your birth certificate was a waste of paper

Three drunk guys get in a cab and the cab driver notices that they are wasted so he starts the car and then shuts it off to mess with the three of them.

The First guy says thanks and pays him the second dose the same the third one slaps him. The driver thinks he knows until he shouts WATCH YOUR SPEED NEXT TIME... you nearly killed us!!...

Call Captain Planet.

The residents of a town are fed up with all of the pollution from factories, littering, and toxic waste. Finally, a townsperson says, "We need Captain Planet!" A moment later, a superhero looking dude shows up and says, "Did someone summon me? The townspeople rejoice, an... read more

Topical Jokes for 1/31.

The CEO of McDonald's has announced he'll be resigning later this year. It's the first time in history that a McDonald's employee has quit and given more than five seconds notice.

The New Hampshire lottery is selling scratch 'n sniff tickets that smell like bacon. The aroma is there to remind people that if they didn't waste their money on lottery tickets, they could afford to eat bacon.

In Alabama, a truck driver caused a mile-long traffic jam when he swerved off the road while trying to pull out a loose tooth. Drivers slowed down to look, because people in Alabama had never seen someone who has a tooth.

Suge Knight is suspected of running a man over with his car after an argument. The argument was about whether or not there's a pumpkin-flavored Jelly Belly.

...running over someone with your car seems crazy, but you have to keep in mind that Suge Knight's motto is Live every day like it's 'The Purge.'

Two Russian sailors decide to quit drinking,.

but they still have a bottle of vodka left, and they refuse to let it go to waste, so one says:" Anatoli, i shall hold the bottle in one hand behind my back, if you can guess which one, we will drink it, if not, i will throw it overboard." They agree on this. The first sailor hides the bottle, the second guesses:"Left!"

"Keep guessing, Anatoli, keep guessing."

Dave got his wife a French maids costume to get her in the mood but it was a complete waste.

​

The house is still messed up as usual.

I went into a Liberal clothing store today to purchase some pants. When I started trying on a few pairs, I noticed that all the pockets except one were visibly removed. I stopped a clerk and ask him if anyone complained. He said "No, Liberals always want a hand out." I asked what happened to the other pockets. "They don't go to waste: Conservatives use them to line theirs."

A guy gets to Heaven and meets God for the first time...

God says, welcome my child. For living an exemplary life and following in my footsteps, I welcome you to Heaven and will answer one question for you. The answer to any of your life's mysteries that you desire.

The man ponders. He hurriedly thinks back on his life, wondering which answer he wants the most and not wanting to waste God's time, but he can't decide. He stares back at Him, unsure of what to say.

God says, don't worry my child, I am all knowing, so I already know what question you will ask.

The man, visibly relieved, exclaimed oh thank you! What is it?

That one. Enjoy eternity!

The madam tell her girls ' Just give those guys blow-up dolls.'.

'They're so wasted they'll never know the difference'After when they're walking home the first guy says 'I think mine was dead; She never moved or made a sound the whole time'The second says 'I think Mine was a witch'First: 'really whys that?'Second: ''cause when i bi... read more